Unforgiveable (Harry)
by Rumour of an Alchemist
Summary: Warning! Parody and sillyness! 'UH' is a hardbitten chain-smoking super!harry who jumps dimensions to solve other realities' 'Voldemort problems' for them to amuse himself. Has he finally met his match? One-shot.


Disclaimer: I am not J K Rowling. I do not own Harry Potter.

Warning! The following is identified as 'parody'. It does _not_ adhere to canon.

* * *

'UH' ('Unforgiveable Harry') threw away his cigarette, before venturing into the next dimension with a Voldemort problem which 'needed' him. By 'needed' him, he of course meant possessed any version or counterpart to himself which was generally any less godlike and which failed to derive the suitable amount of pleasure from dispensing Unforgiveable Curses in all directions upon contact with Death Eaters, Voldemort, or any Dark Minion allies in general (except for Dolores Umbridge – UH had psychological problems with Dolores Umbridge, and as far as possible he avoided her like a plague and left her to others to deal with).

He immediately found himself in what was very obviously a teenage witch's bedroom, with a dark haired teenage witch who even from the rear looked smoking hot in some sort of slinky figure-hugging red silk ball-gown. She was busy in front of a mirror.

Whilst he was distracted admiring her obviously well-toned body, and having difficulty repressing a smirk, she pulled a wand out from somewhere, and without fuss or bothering to turn around shot him with a swift spell under her other arm with a businesslike waggle of a stick of pure ebony.

UH swiftly loss consciousness.

* * *

When UH woke up, he was very firmly trussed up on the carpet of the same girl's bedroom, back to the wall, legs extended in front of him, and with a large fluffy pink teddy-bear positioned on his lap for some reason which he didn't doubt was sinister. It was probably animated and under orders to 'put a foot down, hard' he figured, if he proved uncooperative.

His various wands (including his half a dozen backups) had all been stripped from him, and laid out neatly on a table nearby, along with the three (basilisk venom immersed) versions of the sword of Gryffindor from realities which UH was sure wouldn't miss them, five goblin knives also imbued with basilisk venom, and various other odds and ends from his pockets (concealed or otherwise).

He concluded the girl must have seen him in the mirror, but to take him down like that without even starting to turn (which might have snapped him out of his contemplation of her figure) had taken quite a shot.

"I'd have expected Grindelwald or Fudge to have sent a more competent assassin." the dark-haired teenager said. She was maybe seventeen or eighteen, Harry figured, and the front view was even more attractive than the rear view. He would have totally crushed on her if it weren't for the familiar green eyes and the round spectacles (which latter made her seem almost endearingly defenceless), that suggested that she was probably a counterpart of his in this universe.

"Are you Harriet Potter?" UH drew a deep breath and asked. It was weird that at the moment the sixteen inches of highly polished ebony that she was pointing at him currently looked no more menacing than a nail-file.

"Interesting way to try and talk me out of doing what I usually do to intruders in my bedroom." she said. "Trying to convince me that you're mad. Do I _look_ like I'm James Potter's soppy little girl?"

"Err, no?" UH guessed.

"Good. Right answer." the wand waggled invitingly in a fashion designed to encourage him to talk, suddenly looking remarkably _dangerous_. "I'm _Alecto Snape_ but you don't look a complete idiot and I'd figure you insisted whichever wizard hired you inform you of my name, at least. So now you may as well introduce _yourself_ formally, now that I've told you what you already know."

"Err, if you're a Snape, you can do legilimency, right?" UH said. He wondered what a Snape was doing wearing glasses like that which made her look _so_ disarmingly cute? Probably they were fake glasses worn to produce the very effect which they were successfully having on him. She'd _stunned_ him or something, for Merlin's sake, and she was holding him at wandpoint and he was having tremendous difficulty begrudging her for any of it.

"I'm a Snape and I'm _not_ stupid enough to walk into the mind of some man who broke into my bedroom, and _expects_ me to use legilimency on him." she riposted.

"Look, you've searched me, and you've seen my cards there." UH said. There were several of them piled up with his wands and other paraphernalia. "I hop dimensions, taking down Voldemorts."

The way she narrowed her eyes said she wasn't convinced.

"That has to be one of the _stupidest_ cover-stories I've heard for a time. Almost as bad as that golem which claimed it had been sent back from the twenty-first century to assassinate me to save some stupid muggle war-machine. Hug him, Miss Cutsie-Pie!" She twitched her wand, and the large teddy bear on UH's lap adjusted position and enfolded him in an embrace. For a moment, UH was expecting extreme pain and agony, but after a few moments of feeling relatively nothing, he realised that it was going to be worse than that – _much_ worse.

There was a flash, and then the click and whirr of a wizarding equivalent of a Polaroid camera.

She was photographing him being cuddled by a pink teddy bear.

She was photographing him _repeatedly_, with the teddy bear in various poses, being snuggled up to by said pink teddy bear.

She was a sadist, and knew exactly how to exert maximum psychological pressure. Even just _one_ of those photographs – if released appropriately – could destroy his carefully constructed 'tough guy' image.

She broke him in under ten minutes.

His horrified desperate babbling in which he basically humiliated himself finally convinced her that he _was_ a genuine mere dimension-hopper here to assist with any Voldemort trouble.

She sighed and put away the camera, then magicked away the photographs.

"I'll let you loose and have your stuff back, but if you want those photographs never to see the light of day, you're not going to try anything against me, do we understand one another?"

UH hurriedly nodded his agreement.

* * *

Alecto Snape, UH discovered, was apparently the daughter of this universe's version of Lily Evans and Severus Snape. For some reason, her parents had gotten together at Hogwarts and stuck with each other, rapidly developing into an espionage team. Severus spied on the Death Eater wannabes in Slytherin. Lily spied on the Order of the Phoenix wannabes in Gryffindor. They exchanged information with one another for mutual protection, and upon becoming adults joined the 'grown up' versions of the groups they'd already been spying on. The master of each group thought that they had a loyal Snape working for them (Lily had married Severus by that point), who was running the other Snape purely as a spy in the enemy camp, whilst the Snapes were in fact playing _both_ sides for the advancement of their own agenda.

Said agenda involved the elimination of all 'undesirable, backwards, bigoted elements' from magical society, the overthrow of the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy, and the re-integration of witches and wizards into muggle society.

As far as UH could make out, Alecto's parents were some sort of absolutely _insane_ idealists – albeit ones who had somehow managed to fool two of the most powerful, cautious, and paranoid wizards of the century for something like two decades, which made them incredibly daring, underhanded, insane idealists.

UH wasn't here to try and argue their agenda with their daughter. He was just here to kill Voldemort and to (now) do something about those photographs.

"If your Voldemort's a problem then why haven't you killed Voldemort yourself?" UH asked. He figured Alecto _probably_ had the capability.

"Neither I nor either of my parents have yet figured out a way for all three of us to _convincingly_ be in _three_ places simultaneously at once – and with the Russian situation as it is Voldemort has to go _now_, but we need a level of convincing deniability that goes beyond the mere overuse of time-turners. It's actually quite lucky you turning up. The first lucky break we've had rather than earned with _hard work_ in fourteen or so years."

UH sighed and committed himself and his wand to overthrowing this particular wizarding world's world order, as it knew it.

He just hoped that Alecto Snape was a freak once-in-all-of-reality combination of certain traits of her parents, and that he wasn't going to have to deal with any more 'super-spy' witches like her.

* * *

Author Notes:

Something silly I wrote after reading one too many super!harry fanfictions. As a reminder this piece is identified as _parody_ and only waves at canon in passing...

This story is a one-shot, and is posted as a break from the revision/correction work otherwise ongoing at the time of posting. I was tempted for a moment to identify the characters as 'Harry Potter' and 'Harry Potter', but alas, my sense of pedanticism and the fact that Alecto is a _Snape_ got the better of me, even if technically she's a super-spy!fem!counterpart Harry.

Alecto's glasses are probably worn for disguise purposes (although they may well be heavily enchanted, too). She doesn't actually have any vision problems.

Regarding the golem Alecto mentions, just imagine that this being a parody piece, she has to put up with regular assassination attempts by time-travellers from the future...


End file.
